My Favorite Wedding

Grade: D

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Maggie Lawson – Dr. Tess Harper

Paul Greene – Michael (couldn’t find a last name)

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The opening music is really terrible – I would literally rather listen to the Golden Girls theme song than this. 

 

The female lead,Tess, begins the movie by sprinkling good deeds around like fairy dust:

Coos over a baby! Buys iced lattes for the staff! Helps the coffee cart guy with his burn, (put some ice on that Stan!). Gives a drink to an old guy in a wheelchair! Helps her nurse friend with her orchid! Gives a needle-phobic patient a painless shot! 

 

All this happens one after the other in the first minute and a half of the movie. I am exhausted already.

 

BTW did anyone else notice that the coffee guy sucked on his fingers which is a super gross thing to show a food handler doing?

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Also, the iced lattes that she just bought outside are super melted by the time she delivers them to everyone. Since I have read every Nancy Drew ever, I clue-ify that there has been an extended passage of time between her leaving the coffee cart and entering the hallway of the hospital.

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THEORY! The lost time gave Maggie Lawson just enough leeway to film another Hallmark         movie using the same sets and probably the same coffees.

THEORY! This is her 45th take walking down the hallway because she is a terrible actress.     The continuity guy went home already.

THEORY! New ice wasn’t in the budget.

Tess is dating a guy named Dex who just asked for her Social Security Number. She thinks he wants to add her to his retirement plan so she sees this as forward progress in their relationship. 

Mmm, let’s be real…he’s going to steal her identity.

 

This is Dex.

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Next, in the span of a 20 second conversation with her nurse friend we learn:

She’s a doctor

She’s trying to get a fellowship at Northwestern 

She lives in Boston 

She wants a ring 

Her boyfriend’s name is Dex, (and he might steal her identity)

Did I mention she’s a doctor? Because she will about a billion times.

 

Whew! Glad we got all that pesky exposition out of the way. 

Well played Hallmark…well played.

 

Tess goes to see her first patient in her street clothes with gloves on and holding an orchid.

What doctor walks around hospital corridors in street clothes and blue latex gloves? She literally walked into the patient’s room with them already on. Where have those gloves been? (besides touching orchid dirt). Tess has no sense of infection control.

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Tess’s office is weird. First of all, she has way too many pencils. Doctors don’t use pencils – it’s not legal medical documentation. Second, all the file folders behind her are empty, and third, why does she have so many foot models? Is she a podiatrist? And…wait a minute, those foot models are not even medical! They look like they have tribal tattoos painted on them. And what’s with the reflexology poster on the wall? That‘s not medical either!

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Not medical.

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Tess takes a phone call and we find out that she's going to Chicago to her best friend Amber’s wedding soon.

 

Next Scene: Out to dinner with Dex to discuss wedding travel plans!

As they sit down at their table, Dex gets a phone call and Tess won’t let him answer it. She won’t let him even look at who is calling. Hope his Mom didn’t fall down and maybe need his help or anything…

 

Oh, I get it now. Tess didn’t want Dex to answer his phone, because she needs his full attention so she can talk about herself.

 

She tells Dex they are going to have a “blast” at Amber’s wedding. She tells him someone from the fellowship selection committee is going to be there (for her), how they can scope out Chicago before moving there (for her, it is where she grew up), and since her family lives there she can see them more (her again).

 

Oh dear! The next day Dex tells Tess that his boss invited him to go yachting so they could discuss his future with the company. This means Dex will miss the wedding. Sucks for Tess!

 

Tess’s answer: "If you told your boss you’d go I guess you can’t back out now."

 

My answer if I were Tess: "I hope you fall off the yacht."

 

Tess arrives in Chicago and is picked up by Michael who is holding a sign that says Dr. Tess Harper. 

Once outside, she freaks out over her luggage and how he is putting it in the car. “Oh, please be careful with that one......and that one too!”

She says he needs to be careful because she is worried about her shoes. Why? Did she bring glass slippers?

“Oh me, oh my! If you break them I will die!”

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Tess thinks Michael is a driver and asks why his car doesn’t have a sticker on it. He plays out the charade a bit and says, “They don’t give them to all of us,” then he immediately comes clean and tells her that he is the best man and not a driver. 

Holy moly, she has no sense of humor at all. She shoots him a look of intense dislike and describes his little joke as a “dirty trick.” Get a grip lady.

 

During the car ride they argue about weddings: 

He wants to get out of the insanity and doesn’t like the traditions and the stress.

She says weddings are about the people.

He plays loud music in the car which is a strange thing to do when you don’t know the other person at all. 

She complains…a lot.

“Can we turn down the music? At over 80 decibels loud music can trigger tinnitus.”

Then she has to explain tinnitus to him which I think most fourth graders understand.

“Could you take it a little slower around these turns?” she whines, “I really will need that massage tomorrow.”

He responds, “Yeah you need to relax.”

 

Side Note: I don’t know what the script writers were thinking here, but these two characters are super hostile and rude to each other. I hate them both. Her gifts of watery lattes and painless shots are not redeeming her for this.

 

Michael tells her he is a lawyer and she responds, “Well that explains why you weren’t forthcoming about who you were.” 

 

Oh, are all lawyers scumbags? I did not know this. Thanks Tess, for sharing your distorted views on the world.

 

Michael takes this insult in stride, which is a point in his favor. He says, “I know that bringing a divorce lawyer to a wedding is like bringing a baby on a plane – you get a lot of dirty looks.”

 

Tess response: “Maybe it’s just you.”

 

Side Note: HOW can this movie be a romance? Because right now I really, really want it to be a murder mystery with a double homicide.
 

                      Guess Michael gets to schlep all Tess’s luggage around as well.

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Next, we find out that the wedding planner quit on Amber – maybe because Amber is just as much of a B as Tess. Maybe they are best friends because no one else can stand them.

 

FYI - A majority of Amber’s lines are delivered with these faces.

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Complications with wedding details crop up and Tess and Michael have to handle all of these issues because Amber deems it so. They better hop to it before Bridezilla steps on them with her giant foot!

 

Problem! The bakery making the wedding cake went out of business.

Amber loses her s***. “But they have daddy’s deposit!“ she cries. 

 

Question: What adult woman still calls her father “Daddy”? That’s gross. 

 

Michael and Tess visit the first bakery, where the owner shows them an obviously inappropriate 5 year-olds birthday cake and suggests that they can use that for the wedding. 

Huh? If the script writers were trying to confuse me here, they nailed it.

 

They check out another bakery and this time Tess LIES to the nice bakery lady who is willing to make their stupid cake in three days. Tess tells her they came to her first, (they didn’t), because she is the best. This character sucks.

While they are waiting in the bakery, they argue about weddings some more and Tess reminds Michael that she’s a doctor in case he forgot.

 

They call Amber to tell her the cake issue has been resolved, then they throw a few more barbs at each other as they part ways;

 

“See you at the ceremony”

“Not a moment sooner”

“Works for me.”

 

Okay Hallmark, I’m just going to lay this one out for you. These two people are awful, they hate each other, and there is sub-zero chemistry going on here. I don’t care if you have Nicholas Sparks writing this rest of this script, there is no way you are going to believably write these two characters falling in love in the next three days.  

 

Amber apologizes for being so stressed this week and Tess responds by reminding Amber she is a doctor. Then she recommends they play golf.

 

We see Tess golf. Tess cannot golf.

 

Amber tells Tess that her fiancée, Jack, has been acting strangely, “Last night, I wanted to go over the seating chart, and he was absolutely nowhere to be found. I don’t get it. He’s usually so reliable.”

 

No Amber. If you can’t find someone that does not mean they are unreliable. It means that during a game of hide and seek you would be a terrible “It”.

Also, who doesn’t have a phone these days? It’s called a text.

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This is Jack. See the look on his face? Well, get used to it because after he marries Miss Crazy Pants this will be his normal resting expression.

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Now we are at a breakfast party with all the wedding guests and playing that game where you have a nametag of a famous person on your back and you need to figure out who you are. (yawn)

 

Michael has Peter Pan on his back and when he asks Tess for clues she says, “You’re immature you enjoy winning and giving orders.” 

 

Excuse me, but this is not how you describe Peter Pan. This is how you describe Draco Malfoy or any dictator. Peter Pan is a cartoon character, who wears a green outfit, and flies. 

 

Tess if you dislike Michael so much that you would use this stupid game as an excuse to insult him, why do you even approach him for conversation? Just go talk to all your other friends at the wedding.

 

Oh wait…that’s right, you don’t have any. 

Oh dear, Bridezilla Amber won’t even let Michael eat his plate of eggs before she has some other crazy task for him and Tess to do. She needs her “something blue” nowwww!

Sure, the wedding is not for three days, but you need to miss your meal, miss golfing with your friends and go nowwww!! Also, apparently it takes two people to find something freaking “blue.”

 

FYI - It’s called Target for some blue ribbon…done. 

 

So, because both Tess and Amber say they have to leave nowwww, they leave now. In desperation Michael brings his full plate of food in the car so he can eat on the way, however since Tess refuses to hold his plate for him, he has to hold it, feed himself, and drive. 

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I hate her. I hate her so much.

 

Michael takes her to a vintage jewelry store where Tess walks around the store gasping at every shiny object like 8 year-old girl. 

 

Ooooh…sparkleys!

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She holds a necklace up to her neck and asks his opinion. Then when Michael obligingly looks over at her she blurts, “What are you staring at?” Huh? This girl may be doctor-smart about feet, but I’m thinking maybe not much else.

 

Then Tess says something so ludicrous it is awesome. She says that all Michael has to do for this wedding are the three S’s – shower, shave, and show up.

 

Even though Michael so far has:

Picked her up from the airport

Carried all her luggage around for her

Taken her to at least two bakeries

Taken her to the jewelry store

Missed the fishing trip with the groomsmen to help out

Missed his breakfast to help out

Missed his golf game to help out

 

And FYI, none of these starts with an “S.” Tess however is stuck-up, self-centered, and snarky, so there’s your three “S’s.”

 

Dex calls while she is in the store to ask her a question about his yachting trip and seasickness, but he obviously gets bored with her answer since he interrupts her giving it, and abruptly hangs up. 

 

All this might seem like really lame behavior by Dex, but actually I think he may be onto something. If you think about it, he doesn’t go with Tess everywhere she orders him to and he interrupts her crazy talk constantly. I’m telling you, the dude has got it dialed.

 

While Tess was on the phone getting hung up on by Dex, Michael paid for the “something blue” and had it gift wrapped. Of course, there is no “thank you” from Tess, she just grabs it with an annoyed look and walks out of the store. Hey, hold up there Princess! Michael’s your ride back so where you stalking off too?

 

Next scene: Jack goes to get marshmallows for s’mores and Amber says to Tess, “There he goes again, the Amazing Vanishing Groom! We have plenty of marshmallows! Tess, what if I am making a huge mistake?” 

 

Side Note: How she goes from marshmallows to cancelling her wedding is beyond me. This girl’s brain is a marshmallow.

 

Then she gives a moronic list of the differences between herself and her fiancée:

 

I am a morning person! He is a night owl!

Jack loves the beach! I hide from the sun!

I love to dance! Jack would rather be tortured!

 

Our viewing group added a few more examples to round out her list:

 

Jack likes 1 percent milk and I like 2 percent! 

Jack eats corn flakes and I’m Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!

I walk left-right-left-right and he walks right-left-right-left! How are we ever going to walk together?

I’m bats*** crazy and he’s not…SQUAWK!!

 

Tess talks her down by boring her to death. “Remember when blah, blah, blah your pilgrim paper and there was this dragonfly and your keys went missing and they were in your nightstand so stop worrying...blah, blah, blah.”

 

Next, Tess finds out that Michael had been engaged in the past and he actually paid for a big wedding with all the bells and whistles, but his fiancée ended up leaving him 3 months before they got married. Michael is hereby absolved of all his snarky-ness about weddings. Tess is absolved of nothing.

 

Move onto a golf scene with Dr. Hastings, Tess, Micheal and the Father of the Bride. Dr. Hastings is the doctor who is one of the decision makers as to whether Tess will get the fellowship she applied for. She really wants to make a good impression on him. My advice? Just don’t open your mouth. You’ll be fine.

 

The Father of the Bride gets so stressed out during the golf game that he has a panic attack and Tess, the podiatrist, jumps into action. Father of the Bride tells the group to play on, but Tess says she will need to check his vitals later, (what, in his feet?).

 

Now the bridal party is going to have a dance lesson together. Jack arrives and claims to have hurt his hip. Amber is upset that Jack can’t dance and leaves – apparently, she doesn’t give a crap about his hip. We will later find out that Jack is taking secret dance lessons on the side so that he and Amber will have a great first dance and this is why he has been disappearing a lot. I do not, however, understand why this means he needs to lie his way out of this dance lesson. 

 

Tess gets a call from Dex who hangs up on her as soon as she starts talking too much. Man, I am really liking this guy.

 

Amber sees Jack creeping around. He says he is getting ice for his injury. Amber says he is sneaking around and ducking out on duties. (What duties does a groom have? Don’t get too drunk at your bachelor party?) 

 

Tess tells her she should talk to Jack about her concerns because, “communication is the best medicine.”

 

Ugh, that’s it. If I am going to get through the rest of this movie, I need alcohol. 

 

Tess beings to warm up to Michael and they both admit that they misjudged each other.

They even go for a morning jog together through the woods and as they are walking back along the trail up runs crazy Amber! Evidently, she’s been searching the woods for them since sun-up. 

 

Amber needs meds.


 

Here comes crazy!

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Next Up: Tess has a hyper freak out over a broken cake topper where the groom’s sugar arm fell off. Tess repairs it, but what I find amusing is that she names the wrong bones in the groom’s arm as she does. Given that the whole arm broke off, it’s not the ulna and radius that would be affected Tess, it is the humorous. I know this because I asked a fifth grader. You’d better stick with feet.

 

Tess, if this is your reaction when a cake decoration breaks, 

please don’t become a mother.

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Tess and Michael go golfing together. They discuss clouds. She sees a kidney and he sees a gavel. This is stupid.

 

Also, you are both blind.

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Meanwhile, while Amber has been repeatedly trying to reach Tess to “check in” (?????), her Dad walks in and announces that seven vegan dinners were mistakenly changed to chicken. 

Amber loses her s***.

 

Michael and Tess have a picnic after golf with strawberries and champagne which I THINK IS PUSHING IT WHEN SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

 

Romantic picnic because we are “Just Friends”

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Side Note: FYI the viewing group just took a vote. We chose watching the commercials over this movie

 

After all her efforts, Tess misses the actual wedding rehearsal because she was looking at clouds – what a loser best friend.

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Then, because she was rushing, she puts on a slideshow of nasty foot diseases at the rehearsal dinner. Can’t turn off the feet! Bunions! Foot rubs! I’m gonna hurl! 

Amber loses her s***. 

Tess cannot work a com-poo-ter

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Tess is sad because she botched the wedding then Michael says something nice and they have a moment. Oh, here’s Dex unexpectedly! “Hi Dex! I want to break up.”

 

“Look I made it to the wedding! What’s first on the agenda?”

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Agenda:

9:00 pm -  Arrival

9:01pm - The death of your relationship

9:02pm – Back in the car

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Tess finds out where Jack has been sneaking off to and, instead of just telling Amber he has been taking dance lessons, she weirdly tells her where she needs to go to catch him at his secret dance lessons. She is Amber’s best friend not Jack’s, and this is a stupid secret to keep secret.

 

So Amber sneaks into Jack’s secret dance lesson, sees Jack dancing with her bridesmaid, and loses her s***. Jack tells Amber he was learning the wedding dance to surprise her. All’s well except of course for the fact that Jack is about to marry a nutball.

 

I just want to put it out there that this is the happiest I have seen Jack this entire movie.

Maybe they should have make a spinoff Hallmark called, “I Married our Bridesmaid”

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Nope!

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Tess gets the fellowship!

Wedding happens.

Michael asks Tess to dance and finds out she is single again. 

They kiss. 

THE END….thank sweet baby Jesus.

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Pros:

It’s over.

Excellent movie to make fun of, (yes please!) 

 

Cons:

Ridiculous number of “I’m a doctor!” Tess moments: 

 

#1 “I made it through med school I think I can handle a cake.”

#2 “I know what is going on here, I’m a doctor and I completely missed the       symptoms…” 

#3 “Rule #1 always keep a stressed-out patient distracted so how about a round of golf?”

#4 “Michael is a foggy x-ray I can’t figure out.”

#5: “Cold feet need circulation Amber so go dance! Doctor’s orders!

#6 “The patient’s acute cynicism suggests the build-up of antibodies to weddings.”

#7 “Well the ER is a bit of a dance, you know, evading gurneys, dodging bedpans…”

#8 “Communication is the best medicine!

 

Credits: All photos, unless otherwise indicated, have come from the Hallmark Movie “My Favorite Wedding” which can be viewed on the Hallmark Channel

Vector Art Link: <a href="https://www.vecteezy.com/free-vector/weddings">Weddings Vectors by Vecteezy</a>

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